Denial – a psychological defense mechanism in which
confrontation with a personal problem or with reality is avoided by denying the
existence of the problem or reality (m-w.com).
When Brandon was young, it concerned
me that he’d use denial to cope with his learning disabilities. It was as if by
“forgetting” an assignment or not facing some problem at school, it would all
disappear. How could he not see that this tactic never worked and repetition
did not improve the odds of it doing so?
Eventually, he got past most
of this behavior. He graduated from college and became the kind of person who
stuck with the job. He stuck with his job through surgery. He stuck with his
job through chemo, and he stuck with his job through radiation. (Sometimes he
stuck with his job receiving one or the other, and sometimes he stuck with his
job while receiving both at once.) He stuck with his job through side effects that
he made light of, but these side effects interfered with sleeping, eating,
breathing, exercising, ad nauseam (literally).
Still, I don’t think he ever completely stopped visiting Denial. In fact, I think he took his old defense
mechanism and really made it work for him during his illness. It allowed him to
remain hopeful. It allowed him to continue saying, “Get ‘er done” when new "spots" were found and new treatments recommended. Denial let
him joke and laugh through treatments and side effects that would bring most of
us to our knees. It allowed him to take joy in his baby daughter, his wife and his
life until the day he had to leave us all.
I never thought of myself as
someone who dabbled in Denial. I’ve always considered myself as quite pragmatic. (Sure, I can be a bit oblivious, but that’s different than denial!) And then
Brandon found out he had cancer. Initially, I didn’t realize I was escaping to
Denial, but eventually I recognized it as the ultimate vacation getaway spot. I
never stayed long; I couldn't. (Sometimes I wanted to stay forever.) Still, I usually
returned feeling fairly refreshed. I could visit Denial and be ready
to jump back into reality. At least I could do so until May 2012 when Brandon’s condition began taking a huge nosedive.
Since Brandon’s death, I
continue to visit Denial on a frequent basis. Sometimes I’m there for only a
few hours; other times I stay a couple of days, although that’s an
unusually long vacation. Without those hours spent in the lovely land of
Denial, I don’t know how I’d make it.
I didn’t seek these frequent
but brief trips. My mind just seems to travel there of its own accord. Because
when I really stop and let it in, when I return from Denial and must “feel the real,”
I honestly can’t bear it. I still cannot truly comprehend or bear that Brandon is truly
gone from this life for the duration of mine. And then the tears come – still.
Twenty-one months after his death. Not simply a watering of the eyes that I can
blink to a halt. No, before I’m even aware, huge blobs of salty liquid are
rolling down my cheeks to splash wherever.
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| From: A Bed For My Heart |
My trips to Denial usually
let me get through the day so that I may cry in private at night. That’s the
way I prefer it. That’s the way that allows me to keep moving forward. That's me. For now. For always? I'll go where it takes me.
So if you’re considering a
brief vacation in the land of Denial, go for it. It is a beautiful land. Enjoy
your time there. Just don’t stay too long…
