tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19411141588552363232024-03-13T22:32:59.550-07:00A SorrowFull MotherKaren Gromadahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12106165924322678026noreply@blogger.comBlogger85125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1941114158855236323.post-12912994238604813202015-04-04T18:12:00.000-07:002015-04-04T18:12:56.093-07:00<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I often write about Brandon and his journey with cancer, and I often describe my journey since his death. However, I rarely post about the foundation my husband and I established</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> in his name immediately after his death. Because we wanted no other families to know the grief we felt, the mission of <a href="http://www.gromadacancerfndn.org/home/" target="_blank">Brandon's Foundation</a> is to raise awareness about head and neck cancer but also to act by raising funds for the innovative research that can lead to better treatments and cures. I posted the following to his Foundation's blog yesterday. It seems appropriate to repeat it here. And if you're able, please donate to fund research, but in any case please share this with others so that more are screened for head and neck cancer. Thank you!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Five years ago - April 2010 - I'd never heard of Head & Neck Cancer Awareness Month, although our family had recently become acquainted with head and neck cancer. Only a few weeks earlier Brandon called with news that brought me, his mother, to my knees. I vividly remember where I was and what I was doing as he explained that one of the several nasal polyps he'd had removed a few days before had shown "poorly differentiated - or undifferentiated - squamous cell cancer" in his right maxillary sinus. One moment I was standing, the next I was not. My knees and my mind had buckled. But hey, how bad could this be? Surely, it was treatable. Cancer treatment had come so far.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The pathology findings from the examination of the nasal polyps were discussed by the <a href="http://cancer.uc.edu/Home.aspx" target="_blank">University of Cincinnati Cancer Institute</a>'s tumor board. Surgery, a <a href="http://www.headandneckcancerguide.org/adults/cancer-diagnosis-treatments/surgery-and-rehabilitation/cancer-removal-surgeries/maxillectomy/" target="_blank">maxillectomy</a>, was scheduled for later in March, and the head and neck surgeon told Brandon they would do what was needed to remove the cancer, which could include the creation of cleft palate, the removal of his right eye, or removal part of his jaw and/or nose. The cancer was found on a single turbinate bone at the nasal area of the sinus and that bone was removed. The mucus membrane was stripped from the right maxillary sinus and sent to Pathology for microscopic examination. No other evidence of disease was discovered. We all breathed deep sighs of relief. Head and Neck Cancer Awareness Month came and went without our realization that April was designated as such.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Then during an early August follow-up appointment, a resident palpated enlarged lymph nodes on the left side of Brandon's neck and found a "spot" at the back of his throat. A biopsy showed more of the same poorly differentiated, HPV-negative squamous cell cancer (SCC). A PET (positron emission tomography) scan found no other "hot spots" below the neck, so everyone felt positive as he dove into the whirlwind of port (port-a-cath) insertion for chemotherapy, fitting for his specially molded radiation mask, and the two months of the common brutal treatment for most head and neck cancers -pinpointed radiation 5 days a week for 7 to 8 consecutive weeks combined with chemotherapy every 2 to 3 weeks. (The blog photo of a smiling Brandon was taken at the end of the chemo-radiation combo. His port is visible just below is right collarbone and the radiation burns are obvious.) Radiation resulted in burns outside and in, affected and thickened mucus production, caused his sense of taste to change. Chemotherapy damaged his hearing, produced strange tastes in his mouth, upset his digestive system in all ways imaginable. He chose to wait and see if he'd need a percutaneous endoscopic gastrostomy (PEG) feeding tube, which many, if not most, on the treatment journey for head and neck cancer now receive prior to treatment. None of us know how he continued to eat and drink throughout treatment, but he did, and he never shared how difficult it must have been. </span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Brandon smiles in spite of radiation burns after several weeks of treatment. <br />(His port is visible under his skin, below his right collarbone.)</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The post-treatment PET scan revealed new "hot spots" on a rib and his femur. He learned he was to become a father while undergoing radiation treatment for the new spots. The afternoon of his last radiation treatment, he hopped a jet to Paris to meet his wife, who was already there for business, for a long Easter weekend in the city of love and lights. They made the most of every moment. They welcomed daughter Morgan on December 3, 2011. Meanwhile, Brandon fought more and more "hot spots." Different forms of traditional and trial chemotherapy agents were tried. Each caused new and more uncomfortable side effects. None made an impact. He was fitted for a new radiation mask when "spots" appeared in his brain. The disease continued to march through his body, quickly overwhelming body systems. He died June 2, 2012. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">His father and I founded Brandon's Foundation the next day.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Head and neck cancer receives very little attention compared to many others. It is thought to be an old person's disease related to a lifetime of tobacco or alcohol use. However, the number of people affected by some form of head and neck cancer is growing and this growth is mainly among younger adults. Part of it is related to the same forms of HPV that cause most cervical cancer, but HPV does not account for many other cases. It is estimated that almost 46,000 will be diagnosed with some form of head and neck cancer during 2015 alone - that is about 125 persons each day being told they have this cancer. It's anticipated that more than 8600 of those journeying with head and neck in this country will die this year. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Don't forget your own screening for head and neck cancer, as early detection can make the difference. Be sure a thorough head and neck cancer screening is part of every dental check up. If you're in the Cincinnati area, call (513) 475-8400 to reserve a spot for a free screening by the University of Cincinnati Health Otolaryngology – Head & Neck Surgery at the Barrett Cancer Center Area F from 8:30 a.m. – 4 p.m. on April 16. Last year the team performed approximately 230 screenings of which 17 required referred for follow up. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Screening and early detection are only one part of the head and neck cancer picture. it is time to change the survival statistics and it is time for treatments that have fewer debilitating side effects. Only research can find the treatments and cures that will allow other families to never know the kind of loss we feel without Brandon in our lives. His Foundation's <em>Request for Proposals</em> was sent to researchers in February and many proposal submissions arrived by the March 27 deadline. Next week we begin sending these proposals out for "blind" reviewers by experts in the field of head and neck cancer. An announcement of the 2015 grant awards is to be made June 2, 2015 - the third anniversary of the date of Brandon's death.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">PLEASE help us fund the research that will put an end to head and neck cancer. <a href="http://www.gromadacancerfndn.org/donate/" target="_blank">DONATE</a> now so Brandon's Foundation may expand the number and amount of grant funding available for promising research projects. And the next time you sit down for a meal - the next time you enjoy the aromas and flavors of your food, the next time your mouth is moist enough and your throat is undamaged so that you don't have to even think about swallowing and easily passing food from your mouth down your throat to your stomach - think about Brandon and all those who are or have been on the head and neck cancer journey with him.</span><br />
Karen Gromadahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12106165924322678026noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1941114158855236323.post-71123197677977023332015-03-05T20:56:00.000-08:002015-03-05T21:01:08.321-08:00The Day My World Stood Still<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">March 5, 2010. Five years ago. My world is divided between before March 5, 2010 and after March 5, 2010, and there it will remain. Before. After. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">March 5, 2010 is the day <a href="http://asorrowfullmother.blogspot.com/2014/03/ac-ever-after-part-1.html" target="_blank">a phone call </a>brought me to my knees while putting laundry away in a closet. "Mom, the doctor called this morning. I have cancer." </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">March 5, 2010 is the day I </span><a href="http://asorrowfullmother.blogspot.com/2014/03/ac-ever-after-part-2.html" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;" target="_blank">clung to a shelf</a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> so I would not completely collapse. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">March 5, 2010 is the day all my children enjoyed a family dinner at our home with Brandon as chef. Joey and Mia announced they were expecting their first child. We celebrated the March birthdays of four of our five children. Brandon shared that he was diagnosed with a sinonasal cancer. He then joked he was not even able to "play the cancer card" that evening, since Joey trumped him with the announcement of their expected baby. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">March 5, 2010. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dinner was fantastic, as it was always fantastic when Brandon took over in the kitchen. Conversation was light, heavy and just plain silly, as it was always so during our family dinners. Still, a bit of fear invaded the silliness and more than a bit of hope invaded the heaviness.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">March 5, 2010. Our family's world briefly stood still, but all too soon it began to turn again. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">March 5, 2010. Five years. A moment and one very special person's lifetime. Five years. </span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Brunch the weekend of March 5, 2010 L to R: <br />Tony, Joey, Mia, Joe, Christina, Brandon, Kris, Carolyn<br />(Several are out of camera range and Christina and Kris are partially obscured!)</span></td></tr>
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Karen Gromadahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12106165924322678026noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1941114158855236323.post-9651905326879151952015-03-03T17:25:00.001-08:002015-03-03T17:30:09.750-08:00Where's the Soundtrack?<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">After posting the other night I went back to our bedroom. My husband Joe was watching a movie. With each change of scene, the music would change. It struck me. Why don't we have a soundtrack that plays music to fit the mood or foreshadow what is soon to happen? Would it help or would it hinder? When might the notes have changed to signal that cells were growing wild in Brandon's sinus? Might we have known to seek help months or even years before? What happy music might have played in the background during periods when there appeared to be NED (no evidence of disease)? Would an occasional jarring note or two have been interjected, telling us that this happiness was to be short lived? What would have played those last few precious months when we could see his body failing, yet we all thought he had more time than what was given? Would the soundtrack that presaged Brandon's death have interfered with our ability to enjoy the time we had left with him still in our world? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Questions, questions, questions - questions with no answers. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>Karen Gromadahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12106165924322678026noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1941114158855236323.post-8918717806265315132015-03-01T20:14:00.002-08:002015-03-01T20:15:07.207-08:00Five years since P (Polyps) Day<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Five years have come and gone since Brandon's March 1, 2010 procedure to remove nasal polyps. Five years since I went to pick him up after this routine procedure. Five years since I had no clue that only a few days were left of our family's "unknowing." I've already written a blog <a href="http://asorrowfullmother.blogspot.com/2014/03/no-big-deal.html" target="_blank">post</a> about that day, so I won't rehash it now. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Still, sometimes I wonder how long had this cancer - cells of Brandon's own body run amuck - been taking root, growing, spreading before the nose bleeds of late fall 2009 signaled their presence within the camouflage of nasal polyps? How long had these wild cells been mocking our unknowing? Had there been earlier, quiet signs that had been missed? If yes, would it have made a difference if the polyps had been removed then or was it already too late? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sure, it's moot. Still, sometimes I wonder...</span>Karen Gromadahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12106165924322678026noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1941114158855236323.post-3840752277822284752015-01-03T17:45:00.002-08:002015-03-01T19:48:55.315-08:00Navigating the Sea of Sorrow<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Memories wash over like waves. Some swirl around my feet,
warm and pleasantly tickling from toes to ankle. Others pull me gently into
deeper water before I realize what is happening. The swells bump me, gently
lift me and set me down again, so I may easily replant my feet on terra firma. However,
some waves of memory brutally drag me farther out into the deep. I feel the
sand shift beneath my feet, threatening to pull me under. These waves often
knock me over, pull my feet out from under me, and generate a sense of panic
within. I feel myself tumbling over and over, colder, deeper. I must fight
if I’m to regain my footing and find my way to the shore, but sometimes
returning seems like too much work. At those moments the rough surf of grief
seduces with its siren’s song humming, “Give in, give up, drown in the power of
this sorrow.” I never know when or exactly how the tide of memory and grief
will roll in.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqJrCQLIsgaxACLrb21JRB6AtdwHEc0m_frq5EUFlVmFcQn1EtmO0vyjrtZscJQu644xG6Kuc_SRWBEDG_RG7skeBZz36FHJHV1xZowzFEpQLdJdUaJ7q382rQcD-SYwCbUpC4dVh_3GQ/s1600/40285_1487608583034_7854124_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqJrCQLIsgaxACLrb21JRB6AtdwHEc0m_frq5EUFlVmFcQn1EtmO0vyjrtZscJQu644xG6Kuc_SRWBEDG_RG7skeBZz36FHJHV1xZowzFEpQLdJdUaJ7q382rQcD-SYwCbUpC4dVh_3GQ/s1600/40285_1487608583034_7854124_n.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Brandon scuba diving in the Caribbean - July 2010</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yet no matter when or how high tide arrives, I do regain my
footing. I do find my way back to shore after being pulled far out into the Sea
of Sorrow. I am still standing. WE – this family – are still standing. And we
will continue to regain our footing no matter how brutal or seductive the waves,
because none of us fights this surf alone. There may be times when one or
another of us feels as if we’re facing the Sea of Sorrow alone. Perhaps there
are times when one or another prefers to swim this sea in solitude. Still, one has
only to call out and the others will quickly surround and guide her or him back
to shore. I love my family. Each member is so unique and special, which is why the
absence of Brandon has profoundly and forever affected the tides of our lives.</span><o:p></o:p><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Added January 4th about 20 hours after posting my thoughts above. Speaking is </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Hazel Grace Lancaster, </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">the narrator of the book <i>The Fault in Our Stars</i>. In this quote she shares feelings after the death of her boyfriend Gus.</span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"When you go into the ER, one of the first things they ask you to do is to rate your pain on a scale of one to ten… I called it a nine because I was saving my ten. And here it was, the great and terrible ten, slamming me again and again as I lay still and alone in my bed staring at the ceiling, the waves tossing me against the rocks then pulling me back out to sea so they could launch me again into the jagged face of the cliff, leaving me floating face up on the water, undrowned."</span></i><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLf2VtGs-gxBNX0at3oJPbgy6wI-LMbp82OGdT7SbDdBNIN-HOr5sjCiabKNxL6X4dPszu8qfYGlYKRqkufiH_4_WwkJ90WQvKcmOyKwNiykP0JN8QO1kUAAAtY6l2ROkN8DrqRNoarCo/s1600/MissingYouComesInWaves.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLf2VtGs-gxBNX0at3oJPbgy6wI-LMbp82OGdT7SbDdBNIN-HOr5sjCiabKNxL6X4dPszu8qfYGlYKRqkufiH_4_WwkJ90WQvKcmOyKwNiykP0JN8QO1kUAAAtY6l2ROkN8DrqRNoarCo/s1600/MissingYouComesInWaves.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
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</div>
<!--EndFragment-->Karen Gromadahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12106165924322678026noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1941114158855236323.post-9369419557188479462014-12-18T22:10:00.005-08:002014-12-18T22:10:55.098-08:00"O Christmas Tree! O Tannenbaum! <div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Want to go to the cemetery
to take a Christmas tree to Brandon’s grave? Me neither. I don’t like to see
the tombstone with his name and the dates of his birth and his death. Don’t
like it. Too real. And I don’t really feel him there. I tend to feel him anywhere
and everywhere else. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yet as much as I know he’s
not there, I’m also compelled to ensure he has a live Christmas tree where his
ashes now reside. One with lights that work. The tree is small because I can’t
handle or stabilize a bigger tree, but it’s just the kind of fir tree we both
like. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I decorated the tree at
home. Lights, gold-beaded garland, ornaments, bells, bows and a small Santa
wind chimes. Why not keep the tree in a special spot at home where it would
stay out of the wind and away from any inclement weather? I wish I knew. In
spite of knowing he’s not at the cemetery, a real Christmas tree is a must. Go
figure. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkM07QZNta7o3bdbXDeJK95jMMBjaveTns2BPkJViw6xHdjgbzBUu0QfVY9rB9B6qHGK7kETsOgqfXDUa0YrUe8J7FVcchOfAAdR9g-Rq0eTBdNU4ftbxMX1_s0vp0FoNJKv0ksbaMZDY/s1600/tree.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkM07QZNta7o3bdbXDeJK95jMMBjaveTns2BPkJViw6xHdjgbzBUu0QfVY9rB9B6qHGK7kETsOgqfXDUa0YrUe8J7FVcchOfAAdR9g-Rq0eTBdNU4ftbxMX1_s0vp0FoNJKv0ksbaMZDY/s1600/tree.jpg" height="283" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Brandon's Christmas tree 2014</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And it has to light at
night. The white lights I wound around the tree came with a battery pack and a
6-hour timer, which I’ve set to light from 4:45-10:45 p.m. EDT. Yes, I know the
cemetery gates close at 5 p.m. and no one will see the lights each night. But
like the lights place on windowsills each Christmas season to represent and
welcome the Light of the world into homes, I want the spot marking the burial
place of Brandon’s to have light. I can’t bear the thought of there being no light
for him at night while I also know due to the unusual “</span><a href="http://asorrowfullmother.blogspot.com/2013/03/happy-birthday-my-baby-of-light.html" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;" target="_blank">vision</a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">” I’d experienced
immediately after his birth that he lives in the perfect light. And I also want
his spot to have sound, although I couldn’t give you a reason why. Still, the
bells and the Santa wind chime are there for a reason.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Brandon’s 3-year-old
daughter Morgan and I took the Christmas tree to the cemetery Monday. I staked
the tree stand into the ground and then Morgan helped me add tinsel. I taught
her as I’d taught Brandon and my other children how to carefully apply only two
to four strands at a time at the end of a branch. Morgan loved adding the
tinsel and watching it blow in the wind.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Morgan after adding tinsel</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Late this afternoon I
revisited Brandon’s gravesite and the Christmas tree. I was afraid the tree may
have made it through a severe storm, which had swept through our area two
nights ago. I thought it likely it had been knocked down or blown away, but
there it stood little worse for wear! I had to reinsert several stakes in the
stand to hold it in place, and a number of ornaments needed to be picked off
the ground and rehung and others needed rearranging. Surprisingly, much of the
tinsel was intact! And the lights went on as scheduled at 4:45 p.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I tried a chorus of “<a href="http://german.about.com/library/blotannenb.htm" target="_blank">O Christmas Tree</a>” before I left before the gates closed, but I don’t think I’ll
ever make it to the end of that song. Ditto for “Silent Night” or even “Santa
Claus is Coming to Town.” Maybe I should simply settle for “Cry Me a River”?</span><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Karen Gromadahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12106165924322678026noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1941114158855236323.post-27961516527924935772014-11-26T22:05:00.004-08:002014-11-26T22:16:50.382-08:00Prayer and positive thought gratefully accepted<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And so it begins. Holiday season 2014. All children and families will be in from far and near, and will arrive here for Thanksgiving dinner in a few hours. </span><br />
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWoFB_iz3jAlrmA7mTmm3wMF1LyczxssqdZlizBhLJZvN30wDoxKmywEHJypxp_hLElOKT1xGgjswAE_I70qVKa8mnC4BjtVa_rKCBqvz_2K1xI4S3WFbpOVBaBLp8bGeYerUTmDTzHPk/s1600/DSCF0193.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWoFB_iz3jAlrmA7mTmm3wMF1LyczxssqdZlizBhLJZvN30wDoxKmywEHJypxp_hLElOKT1xGgjswAE_I70qVKa8mnC4BjtVa_rKCBqvz_2K1xI4S3WFbpOVBaBLp8bGeYerUTmDTzHPk/s1600/DSCF0193.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Brandon preparing Thanksgiving dinner</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I can do Thanksgiving, although Thanksgiving was a favorite holiday of Brandon, who loved to cook. It is Friday I fear. Friday morning we are to have family photos taken - the first family photos without Brandon physically in the picture. And I am so very scared. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be brave. I miss him. It won't be "right" without his physical presence. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sure, we have symbols to include in photos. Symbols aren't worth sh#t, but I think they sure beat no symbols at all.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Please send positive thoughts and prayers through cyberspace for me and our family this Friday morning (Eastern standard time). I want, I need these photos but I need your energy to get me through this. Our last family <a href="http://asorrowfullmother.blogspot.com/search?q=photograph">photo shoot</a> - by Jenny of <a href="http://www.freshviewstudio.com/">Fresh View Studio</a>, the same photographer - took place merely three weeks before Brandon's passing. I can't begin to tell you how many tears have been shed just thinking about this session without him. I want this. I need these family photos. But I'm so scared. </span></div>
</div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A blessed Thanksgiving to you all. Hug each other and let each know how thankful you are to have each in your life. </span></div>
Karen Gromadahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12106165924322678026noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1941114158855236323.post-72608081741334092672014-11-15T23:07:00.003-08:002014-11-16T17:40:37.909-08:00I Just Want My Baby Back<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It has been an incredibly busy summer and fall.
Mostly in a good way. "Busyness" is often a synonym for
"denial." Is numb the same as denial? I often find myself feeling
numb. I thought numbness was an early manifestation of grief, but maybe this is
early. I think “early” will last the rest of my life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sometimes I feel angry, but this anger is not
directed toward anyone or anything in particular. There is no blame to be
attributed. Still, I’ll find myself spewing snippy, snappy, cynical quips. When
I hear it, I don’t like myself, yet I allow this behavior to continue. I see a
harsher me in the mirror and I don’t know how to soften the look.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Mostly, I’ve noticed a feeling of numbness that hadn’t
been there earlier. And I spend a lot of time in the land of Denial, which to
most probably looks like me living my real life, but it’s not – at
least, not precisely. It’s me, sort of being real and sort of pretending.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The land of Denial, the numbness and the anger help
me compartmentalize. Attending events, enjoying family and friends,
participating in professional activities slip into compartments, which is
different than detachment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s not that
grief doesn’t seep into all compartments, it's that grief simply isn’t as deep or
raw when I’m in one of the compartments I need for ongoing function. Trips to Denial,
feeling numb and the anger are distractions from the real. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The real doesn’t slowly sneak in. The real is the
sudden shock of a sucker punch to the gut. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMb6_Kn7lRft0MiRgFlYRd1WeY63rleNLyCy7jK2eZTYDPjnqaAQ-bWKfJEUdTGEu-wFRgKknkFUfzh4sMwHSv-FOr7HF09dtO6do22pE6lcP1uDYwetW0tsTIa2X9AbsEUjtyc6_3Axs/s1600/Numb'gPain_Worse.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMb6_Kn7lRft0MiRgFlYRd1WeY63rleNLyCy7jK2eZTYDPjnqaAQ-bWKfJEUdTGEu-wFRgKknkFUfzh4sMwHSv-FOr7HF09dtO6do22pE6lcP1uDYwetW0tsTIa2X9AbsEUjtyc6_3Axs/s1600/Numb'gPain_Worse.png" height="192" width="320" /></a></div>
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The real is that I just want, but can never have,
my second baby back. The real is that my family can never physically be intact again
– the joking, poking, bantering of an integral member will always be missing. The
real is that I miss Brandon the adult son so very much. The real is that an
amazing little granddaughter is left without her daddy and a daughter-in-law
who is beautiful inside and out is left without the husband she loved and had
too little time with. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The real is a sadness so profound I cannot begin
to adequately describe it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I know life is short. I know God’s time is
different than human time. I know our family will be together again on the
other side of life on this planet. When I’m in the “right” compartment, I can
appreciate all those things.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When I’m in the real, I just want my second baby
back. I just want my baby…</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Karen Gromadahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12106165924322678026noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1941114158855236323.post-46458413004928525362014-10-18T22:46:00.002-07:002014-10-18T22:46:18.324-07:00Dying As Healing?<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It has been almost four months
since I last posted. The gap is not due to having nothing to say. It may be due
to too much to say and an inability to find the words to say it. I could blame
it on a busy summer, since it has been a busy summer. It may be that I’ve
entered some different phase or way of grieving. Quite possibly it’s a
combination of all of those things. (More on all of this soon – I hope!)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’ve started a number of
posts in the last few months without finishing any. Then, a couple of weeks ago,
I received an email newsletter from the nurse organization AWHONN (Association
of Women’s Health, Obstetrics and Neonatal Nursing), which included a link to
an article entitled <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><a href="http://journals.lww.com/ajnonline/Fulltext/2014/10000/A_Transformational_Journey_Through_Birth_and_Death.26.aspx">A TransformationalJourney Through Birth and Death</a> </i>by Maureen Cavanaugh, DBioethics, MS, MAHCM, RN. The article is about a childbearing
woman whose beliefs regarding birth and death challenge the nurse author’s (and
her staff’s) concepts of care. Both the story of this particular woman’s
journey and the struggles of hospital staff to let go of some nursing care
beliefs and adapt care to meet the needs of this expectant, and then new,
mother is what makes this article so remarkable.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It was a shock to read that the
article’s subject, the expectant/new mother, was dying and had little time left
to live. Still, this “high risk” mother was excited about her soon-to-be-born
baby and believed in no or as little as possible intervention for her baby’s birth.
The dying mother’s desires and the nurses’ usual practices initially seemed poles
apart. During the subject’s prenatal and postpartum stay, a number of the
nurses began to question “usual” practices and adapted care as much as possible
to meet the mother’s desires for this birth and the time she might have with
her baby. Never have I felt more proud to be a registered nurse myself as when
I read of these nurses as they overcame beliefs based on routine versus
research evidence and then worked to individualize nursing care and ensure the
best possible experience for this mother.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As I came to the end of the
AJN article, I looked at the references. A couple came with links to the
referenced articles, which I took so I could learn more. <a href="http://www.timesunion.com/local/article/Nursing-moms-honor-dying-woman-s-wish-2531752.php">One reference</a> discusses the baby’s mother and her philosophy of birth and death, and I was
struck by something journalist Jennifer
Gish wrote. “Doctors looked…and saw the 42-year-old was dying. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Renee… told them she was healing. </span><i style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dying</i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">,
she'd say, </span><i style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">might just end up being part
of that process</i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dying as part of the healing process. Wrap
your head around that. I know I’m trying to do so.</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Karen Gromadahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12106165924322678026noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1941114158855236323.post-8795027084653648392014-06-16T21:54:00.002-07:002014-06-16T21:54:55.687-07:00June as a dichotomy<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The date of Brandon's disincarnation has come and gone for a second year. The date is one thing but I am more moved by the day of the week. This year the date was a Monday, but the day of the week forever remains Saturday. Then there are the days in between disincarnation and the funeral Mass celebrating Brandon's life followed by his cremation. (And who came up with the tacky term "cremains"?)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I expected a less-than-pleasant first week of June, but the intensity of feeling was unexpected. In many ways it hit harder this year than last. The sadness of missing someone so essential, so much a part of who I am is indescribable. (Being an intrinsic aspect of one's "becoming" changes a woman forever, and the child becomes part of the mother in a literal and figurative way.) The sadness of missing him came in waves of what felt like punches to the gut. It came with heart palpitations and a heaviness in my chest. The word "heartache" is so very apt.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Once past the days of the week and the dates on a calendar, I returned to my cute little vacation home in the land of Denial for a needed hiatus. Not sure how long I'll stay, but at least I can begin to appreciate the beauties that are June. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4mx4uSEPaTa782N45ZJSZNJ73pYVB2zOFqPzPCS9Y1V15L7yQBOaiO6lI9lnxpCm-bopUHTyxWIqBwrPDzBh4Izflf_MB7DoBcgoWZi4Zumf6FKP_k0iOnyjKka3vCkQtQkxh5Hem5gk/s1600/CryItOut_Don'tLiveThere.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4mx4uSEPaTa782N45ZJSZNJ73pYVB2zOFqPzPCS9Y1V15L7yQBOaiO6lI9lnxpCm-bopUHTyxWIqBwrPDzBh4Izflf_MB7DoBcgoWZi4Zumf6FKP_k0iOnyjKka3vCkQtQkxh5Hem5gk/s1600/CryItOut_Don'tLiveThere.jpg" height="320" width="180" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That Brandon's disincarnation occurred in June creates a dichotomy. June has always been my favorite month with its magic, but n</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">ow it is also my worst. How can such profound sadness possibly co-exist with the f</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">lowers, fragrances and fireflies of the month? </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">(And some years June has also been the month when I've been privileged to watch the fairies dance.) However, I feel both the sadness and the joy that is June. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Somehow I can't quite believe this is coincidence.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />Karen Gromadahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12106165924322678026noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1941114158855236323.post-8426865129264274072014-05-30T22:45:00.001-07:002014-05-30T22:56:01.298-07:00Reflections on "Done"<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Tonight marks 52 x 2 = 104 weeks since Brandon whispered, "Done." I asked if he understood what the oncology resident was telling him and offered a quick explanation of what she had said. Brandon's eyes locked with mine and he again whispered, but more decisively this time, "<a href="http://asorrowfullmother.blogspot.com/2013/05/done.html">Done</a>." </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The sound of his "done" haunts me. I hear each "done" over and over and over -- the first resonating with the struggle to get one word out when it was taking everything he had to simply inhale and exhale; the second resonating with the strength of his </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">decision. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">For a long time I interpreted that second "done" as meaning he knew his body could take no more. His cancer had gone too far. He knew, and his second "done" meant he accepted. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In the first year after Brandon's death, the sound of that second "done" so rang in my ear that I didn't realize I was missing a crucial element. It suddenly struck me at some point in this second year that his expressive eyes, the window of his soul, were trying to tell me his second "done" meant much more. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yes, I think he knew and accepted, but I believe his eyes were telling me he had accomplished what he was supposed to accomplish during his too short life. He had "done" what he'd come to do.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Oh, something my soul recognized during our eye contact and the second "done" -- a "reverse birthing" process had begun. And the labor contractions triggered by his whispered "done" were thousands of times more painful than those preceding his physical birth. </span></div>
Karen Gromadahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12106165924322678026noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1941114158855236323.post-37105613714923387242014-05-29T22:31:00.000-07:002014-05-29T22:31:10.405-07:00No, I’m Not Angry With God or Cancer<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Once in awhile someone tells me I must be angry. Angry with God. Angry with the universe. Angry with
whatever caused Brandon’s cancer. Sometimes someone says surely I ask, "Why?" <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’m not and haven’t been
angry – not with God, the universe or whatever caused some of Brandon’s cells
to go whacko. And I don’t ask, “Why?” Why my baby, our Brandon? Why our family?
Why now instead of many years from now? Why not someone who isn’t a good person – why not someone who hurts
others? Why not me instead of him? But my work is in health care. I know “shit happens”
and shit is nondiscriminatory. So perhaps the question should be, “Why not?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A few weeks ago I finished
the book <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Fault in Our Stars</i> (TFIOS)
by John Green.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hesitated reading it,
as I knew it was about young adults with cancer. I wasn’t sure if I could handle
it, especially when others told me how they’d sobbed through several chapters.
Still, like a moth to flame, I was drawn to it. Since the movie is soon to
debut, I figured it was safer for this moth(er) to check out the book in the privacy of her home rather than the film version in a public movie theater. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Although I confess to a few moments of teariness, I did not cry as I’ve come to know “cry.” No tears rolled
down my cheeks. I did not sob. I did not hear the guttural sounds I’d never
known I was capable of uttering until moments after Brandon’s soul and body
separated, but which I’ve heard many times since. I’ve cried my river in the
last 1 year + 51.9 weeks. At times I feel as if I’m crying a new river. I guess
much of TFIOS seemed to be no more than “been there, done that.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Still, I found myself
highlighting several passages. Those passages spoke to me. I include a few
here.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“What am I at war with? My cancer. And what is my
cancer? My cancer is me. The tumors are made of me. They’re made of me as
surely as my brain and my heart are made of me. It is a civil war… with a
predetermined winner.“</i><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-align: right;">Augustus Waters</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Brandon didn’t lose “his”
battle with cancer, because if he battled his cancer, he’d have been battling
himself. Some tiny thing that was part him forgot to act properly and it became
a big thing. He did his best to put a stop to it, but puny humans cannot always put a halt to this part of themselves even with today’s treatments. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And that brings me to
another statement of TFIOS “hero” Augustus Waters: <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Even cancer isn’t a bad guy really: Cancer just
wants to be alive.”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Augustus may have referred
to dealing with cancer as a civil war, but when the cancer, the part of the
body that’s gone haywire, overwhelms its own body, the cancer dies too. In
wanting to be alive, cancer sets up its own demise. I feel sure Brandon would
have been willing to “share.” Hell, he’d have been willing to serve as the
poster boy for cancer if it meant he (and his cancer part) could have stayed
here in this world with his wife, daughter, family and friends for a long time.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“The pleasure of remembering was taken from me,
because there was no longer anyone to remember with. It felt like losing your
co-rememberer meant losing the memory itself, as if the things we’d done were
less real and important than they had been hours before.”<span style="mso-tab-count: 5;"> </span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span><i style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </i><i style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </i><i style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </i><i style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Hazel Grace Lancaster</span><i style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </i><i style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Relationships come in all shapes and sizes: couples, parent and child, siblings, friends. For every
relationship one is part of, there are shared moments that are special. Such
moments are brought up, discussed, laughed at, enjoyed and savored over and over as time
passes. TFIOS narrator Hazel nails the feeling when one’s co-remember is no
longer present and will not be present to co-remember ever again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjk00dCdBeirENI3uNFpo4nu7GP_aWVuZf-aWgc70jS1AyXkSYBCUX_Mdk1I9d8ZPx7vkoXA5LB6ohIVptM9g3abrzv0oWY8wClMWZ8tZ1iROu9GEIpLJNs1L74Q-RS35xO8iwpUwY3jxY/s1600/IMG_0446.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjk00dCdBeirENI3uNFpo4nu7GP_aWVuZf-aWgc70jS1AyXkSYBCUX_Mdk1I9d8ZPx7vkoXA5LB6ohIVptM9g3abrzv0oWY8wClMWZ8tZ1iROu9GEIpLJNs1L74Q-RS35xO8iwpUwY3jxY/s1600/IMG_0446.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Creation of a co-remembrance</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This weekend marks 2 years –
104 weeks since Brandon and his cancer died.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">It seemed like forever ago, like we’d had this brief but infinite
forever. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities.”</i> <span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Hazel Grace <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Karen Gromadahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12106165924322678026noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1941114158855236323.post-29075546905856899882014-05-22T20:03:00.002-07:002014-05-22T20:03:50.889-07:00I used to wonder<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I used to wonder how actors could cry on cue. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I no longer wonder. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I can do it too.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">All I must do</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Is drop the mask of denial.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Step out of the numb.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Feel the real.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Acknowledge what's true. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That there will be no more of his hugs. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">No more of his jokes. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">No more Mother's Day tuna tartare.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">No more dancing the worm or busting his chin</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Or explaining what happened with his unique quirky grin. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I used to wonder how anyone could cry on cue.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I no longer wonder.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I do it too.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSueBEVz6X_0dvikp1kXTSA-P1NFg7shzriEFqVOnrbw2QtzQR1q4WiB3vta78McB8IOO96yohG2iKwcYyaw5yvwhm5NiPWQbqNcccKiamSc2YCgkqPO4YR3PoVHP7XtODKrS2lqJ8drk/s1600/GriefIsLikeAStorm.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSueBEVz6X_0dvikp1kXTSA-P1NFg7shzriEFqVOnrbw2QtzQR1q4WiB3vta78McB8IOO96yohG2iKwcYyaw5yvwhm5NiPWQbqNcccKiamSc2YCgkqPO4YR3PoVHP7XtODKrS2lqJ8drk/s1600/GriefIsLikeAStorm.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>Karen Gromadahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12106165924322678026noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1941114158855236323.post-60823650081289970812014-05-11T20:45:00.002-07:002014-05-12T11:24:58.901-07:00Mother's Day - Year 2<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">I thought Mother’s Day would
be easier this year. Not. I must’ve been enjoying time in Denial but found
myself on a quick trip back to Reality by Friday. It came in fits and starts on
Saturday, especially during the afternoon and later evening. I cried me a
new river. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Mother’s Day itself felt
rather anti-climactic. There were certainly many happy moments with my four
living children this weekend. Carolyn, due to have her first baby this week,
and her husband Kris hosted a wonderful Mother’s Day brunch. I had a chance to
be with all in-town children and children-in-law and grandchildren. FaceTime
allowed me to catch up with both of my out-of-town sons and their families.
Carolyn and I visited my mother, who celebrates her 85<sup>th</sup> birthday
next Saturday. I am blessed. Still.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Before heading home, Carolyn
and I stopped by the cemetery. Both of us shared that it was not a place where
we feel Brandon’s presence, yet I wanted to stop. No tears. More a feeling of
numbness. Numbness can be good when memories of Mother’s Days past include years
of special dinners prepared by a son who on Mother’s Day, a few weeks before he
died, told me, <a href="http://asorrowfullmother.blogspot.com/2013/05/you-know-mothers-day-is-my-thing.html">“Mom, you know Mother’s Day is my ‘thing’!”</a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">I found this yesterday
afternoon, and it pretty much sums it up<o:p></o:p>…</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">The Cord<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">We are connected,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">My child and I, by<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">An invisible cord<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Not seen by the eye.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">It’s not like the cord<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">That connects us ‘til birth.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">This cord can’t be seen <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">By any on earth. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">This cord does its work<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Right from the start. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">It binds us together, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Attached to my heart.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">I know that it’s there, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Though no one can see<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">The invisible cord <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">From my child to me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">The strength of this cord<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Is hard to describe.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">It can’t be destroyed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">It can’t be denied.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">It’s stronger than any cord<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Man could create. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">It withstands the test,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Can hold any weight.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">And though you are gone,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Though you’re not here with
me,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">The cord is still there<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">But no one can see.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">It pulls at my heart.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">I am bruised… I am sore, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">But this cord is my lifeline,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">As never before.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">I am thankful that God<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Connects us this way.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">A mother and child<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Death can’t take it away!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> Author Unknown</span></i><span style="font-family: Arial; text-align: center;"> </span></div>
Karen Gromadahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12106165924322678026noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1941114158855236323.post-8320848640179841792014-04-19T22:52:00.003-07:002014-04-19T23:11:06.246-07:00Happy Easter<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It’s Holy Week for Christians,
and it began with Palm Sunday and the reading about Jesus’s arrival in
Jerusalem to the waving of palm branches and shouts of “Hosanna!” Did Jesus,
did his family members and friends think that triumphal entry was a sign that
all was well and Jesus had “dodged a bullet,” as our family believed Brandon
had “<a href="http://asorrowfullmother.blogspot.com/2014/03/ac-we-thought-hedwed-dodged-cancer.html">dodged a (cancer) bullet</a>”?
Considering the New Testament scriptures describing Jesus last (Passover) meal
with his friends, Jesus seems to have become aware that all was not well,
although most of his disciples apparently remained blissfully unaware. Were
they so oblivious, or like me, did they take brief vacations to the land of
denial because the alternative was unimaginable?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As the clock ticks, counting
down the minutes, hours, days, this Holy Week moves beyond the initial triumph
and beyond the camaraderie and concerns felt during a special meal with dear
friends. It shifts to a favorite quiet place, the Garden of Gethsemane, and to
very human Jesus struggling with what he knows is coming, even as he prays, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“My Father, if it is possible, let this cup
pass from me; yet not what I want, but what you want” </i>(Matthew 26:39). Yet
despite his continued struggle, he prays again. The prayer is similar but not
exactly the same. This time his words bear a sense of acceptance. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“My Father, if this cannot pass unless I
drink it, your will be done” </i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Matthew 26: 42). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The quiet struggle in the
peaceful environs of the Garden of Gethsemane seems years away from the
escalating suffering Jesus endures on Good Friday, yet only a few hours later
Jesus utters, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“It is finished”</i> (John
19:30) and “gave up his spirit.” What did Jesus mean when he said, “It is
finished”? Was it simply the last words of someone who knew he was about to
die? I don’t think so. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhD0fQItcX7Yg1TyIwD6xkWkMsLLuOzUXPeQrpr3TuMOGbtjCUfbY4mOya7hif-kIHOguipaHnzRp_OH0xF2wUEu4N6YpllSQvrR1jAm1EFzfE6UaiP8uBQ52aEvlldrZIRirvwTyz3AQg/s1600/1920574_10201916651938886_381715570879690643_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhD0fQItcX7Yg1TyIwD6xkWkMsLLuOzUXPeQrpr3TuMOGbtjCUfbY4mOya7hif-kIHOguipaHnzRp_OH0xF2wUEu4N6YpllSQvrR1jAm1EFzfE6UaiP8uBQ52aEvlldrZIRirvwTyz3AQg/s1600/1920574_10201916651938886_381715570879690643_n.jpg" height="170" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Piet by Franz von Stuck (1891)</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I watched Brandon’s mostly
silent struggle as he – and we – realized the cancer was overtaking more and
more of his body. I watched as there seemed to be a shift from “let this cup
pass from me” to “if this cannot pass unless I drink it, your will be done.”
And I was looking into his eyes the first time he whispered, “Done,” and I was
still looking into them the second time he whispered, “Done,” after I’d
explained what that meant. Although I do think Brandon’s “Done” meant he
understood he was soon to die, I now believe it meant much, much more.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">With Jesus’s utterance of,
“It is finished,” I believe Jesus was saying that he’d completed the work he
had come to this life to accomplish. It struck me several months ago when
reflecting on the look in Brandon’s eyes that his “Done” was telling me the
same thing. Whatever it was/is that he was here to accomplish, he had "done" it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Today is Easter. Without the
physical and emotional turmoil in the Garden of Gethsemane, without the
physical and emotional pain and suffering of Calvary, could there be Easter? I
don’t claim to understand the Resurrection; I’ve had my moments (years) of
doubt. Still, I believe in the Resurrection, even as I think it is quite
different than many imagine. There’s a reason Jesus’s close friends didn’t
initially recognize him when he appeared to them after his resurrection from
death. What that reason is remains part of the mystery. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFI9piBNMe83blWIgan3t2e9cvPMZVUrVYzwkHbGWpty1LdDUpGdhESOQ5oKDFdlclKfPOWaE686oMe4i3s0hfAbGzVvddxEgP-eYh_8Up3ewIlMsID1KKS9KQbIBncjXzxt2G543umMI/s1600/970436_4924097304368_1329827761_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFI9piBNMe83blWIgan3t2e9cvPMZVUrVYzwkHbGWpty1LdDUpGdhESOQ5oKDFdlclKfPOWaE686oMe4i3s0hfAbGzVvddxEgP-eYh_8Up3ewIlMsID1KKS9KQbIBncjXzxt2G543umMI/s1600/970436_4924097304368_1329827761_n.jpg" height="236" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The artist didn't know he was capturing Brandon's welcome to another life!</span></td></tr>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Brandon lived his own Garden
of Gethsemane. He lived his own Calvary. And I believe he lives his own
resurrection with our God and “appears” to us from time to time in ways which are not always recognizable. And that is part of the mystery.</span><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Karen Gromadahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12106165924322678026noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1941114158855236323.post-12408019039728454622014-03-29T22:02:00.002-07:002014-03-29T22:02:36.808-07:00AC - We Thought He'd(we'd) Dodged the Cancer Bullet – Part 3<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Where was I? Oh, yes,
between the March 5, 2010, “Mom, the doctor called this morning; I have
cancer,” and Brandon’s March 29, 2010 surgery, members of a “tumor board” met
to discuss how to act on Brandon’s pathology report and we went with him to a “meet
the head and neck surgeon” appointment. (I got the impression not many parents
accompanied a 36 year old to such appointments!) The surgeon reviewed his plan
for the surgical procedure.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Although he didn’t give the
procedure a name, he went over possible outcomes based on what he might find
once the surgery began. It was possible that very little tissue would have to
be removed but he wouldn’t hesitate to do what was necessary to remove any
disease from Brandon’s right maxillary sinus. He explained that he might have
to remove some of the bone in that sinus, including bone of the hard palate,
which would create a cleft palate. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">March of 2010 went by in fog
of hope and fear. Many prayers were said. Many tears were shed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The day of March 29, 2010 Joe
and I joined Christina and her parents at the hospital as Brandon was admitted
to the pre-op area. When the transport team came to wheel Brandon to surgery,
we all gave him a kiss and then headed to the waiting room for several
nerve-wracked hours. We had no idea what the surgeon would find or how
extensive the procedure would be. At some point one of the OR nurses said the
doctor had asked her to call and tell us things were going well – whatever that
means.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Finally, the surgeon called
us into a consult room. Brandon was in the recovery area and doing well he
said. He’d stripped the entire right maxillary sinus of its mucous membrane. No
cancer was detected in any area other than one small bone facing the nose. (One
of the turbinates, I think.) He’d removed that bone and sent it with the other
tissue to Pathology. Brandon would be followed closely with check-ups every
three months for several years, but everything looked good. (I got the
impression the surgeon was taken by surprise when I threw my arms around him.)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirx_Z0cAlIyNm8KOWpBsaIHzTyQyQVMsUJwJpgs7PPlTAaAPs7ZT34MLlC9voAYlGsrhGTMmN1v8Itm08aP5gC51ETgNTCG4bdzXLgWm8gfIKZ0AJ535ZrwbEcKj2vevFXTZb8euDoC_s/s1600/2A.Post-maxilectomy.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirx_Z0cAlIyNm8KOWpBsaIHzTyQyQVMsUJwJpgs7PPlTAaAPs7ZT34MLlC9voAYlGsrhGTMmN1v8Itm08aP5gC51ETgNTCG4bdzXLgWm8gfIKZ0AJ535ZrwbEcKj2vevFXTZb8euDoC_s/s1600/2A.Post-maxilectomy.JPG" height="283" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">March 29, 2010 - Post-maxillectomy</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</span></o:p></div>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRJLroQuuhoBgkSwYhwSdMUBP8IFp1GMpUmQCUbP_4IGM55YXsd4ZNxlZZI2D9zCc9lSGBJbraQfbsIRxmX7gmZbHPfNdvnTX-NCEiPRPduYz_ipZ3NAa9FvyI42IHln6ZuhGHH2OlKEc/s1600/2B.+Post-maxillectomy_03.29.10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRJLroQuuhoBgkSwYhwSdMUBP8IFp1GMpUmQCUbP_4IGM55YXsd4ZNxlZZI2D9zCc9lSGBJbraQfbsIRxmX7gmZbHPfNdvnTX-NCEiPRPduYz_ipZ3NAa9FvyI42IHln6ZuhGHH2OlKEc/s1600/2B.+Post-maxillectomy_03.29.10.jpg" height="239" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">March 30, 2010 - the day after</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We took Brandon home to
recover and after a few days he headed back to his own place. I’d found out the
name of his procedure was a “maxillectomy,” and it often involves the removal
of much of the hard palate or of bone underneath the eye, which means the eye
must also be removed. (I was glad I hadn’t known the name of the procedure
before the surgery, which really isn’t like me! I usually want to know every
detail in advance!) Of all the bones that may have been affected, Brandon lost
one that seemed the least consequential. Yes, it would cause discomfort and its
removal involved some long-term unpleasant side effects, but compared to what
might have been….<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And our family breathed a
collective sigh of relief and felt thankful thinking Brandon/all of us had
dodged a lethal cancer bullet. </span></div>
Karen Gromadahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12106165924322678026noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1941114158855236323.post-56156641803003924882014-03-13T21:01:00.003-07:002014-03-13T21:01:44.950-07:00Guilt Lives On...<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Every birth results in twins
– twin A: a vulnerable, needy, immature, unique human individual and twin B:
Guilt. (I suppose I had quadruplets when I gave birth to twins three years
after Brandon, and Elizabeth’s and Brandon’s Guilt twins grew more demanding
when I brought twin babies and twin Guilts home!)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Unlike a unique human
individual, Guilt never seems to die. It may seem to others to make no sense, but
every bereaved mother I’ve met continues to nurture Guilt. I am no different. Guilt
sometimes wraps itself around me. It clings so tightly I need no wrap, sling or
carrier.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Did I do – or not do –
something when I was pregnant with Brandon that later caused him to develop
this weird, virulent cancer? Did I eat or drink – or not eat or drink – something
when I was pregnant with him that led to this cancer? Did I somehow expose him
to something or not watch him closely enough so that he was exposed to
something that led to the development of this cancer? Did I do everything in my
power to track down treatment options after he was diagnosed? What did I miss?
How did I fail to protect him?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There must have been
something I did or didn’t do, because he shouldn’t have died. He should still
be here. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My head knows this is
stinking thinking. My heart doesn’t always believe or accept it. Guilt lives
on… </span><o:p></o:p></div>
Karen Gromadahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12106165924322678026noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1941114158855236323.post-3109262986403626752014-03-07T21:32:00.001-08:002014-03-07T22:12:20.551-08:00AC Ever After – Part 2<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Where
was I? Oh, yes, “Mom, the doctor called this morning. I have cancer.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The
moment Brandon hung up, I leaned against a shelf in the closet and the tears
started. I think that’s how Tony found me. The fuzzy numbness still wrapped me
in its arms.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I
spoke with my husband Joe, but I can’t remember who called whom. He said he had
a call in to the surgeon who’d removed Brandon’s nasal polyps, and he promised to call again after he’d spoken with him. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There
were beds to make, rooms to straighten, and a dining table to set. Joe(y) and Mia were already on their way from Chicago, and our in-town children would be arriving for dinner within hours. With Tony’s
help, I woodenly checked off each of the tasks on my list, moving through our house in a
daze. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Joe
called back after he’d spoken with the otolaryngologist. Brandon had some sort
of squamous cell carcinoma. The “tumor board” at our university hospital was to
discuss Brandon when they met the following week. Then they’d recommend what they thought should be done next. Joe also said he’d decided to leave Florida early and come
home. He already defaulted his tennis match and had scheduled a flight later that evening. I wrote down the details, and Tony said he’d go to the airport
when his dad’s plane came in.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I
had mixed feelings. I wanted Joe home and was glad he’d have more time with the
entire family. But did he really need to interrupt a trip he’d planned for
months? My brain wanted to think this really wasn’t a big deal. If Joe was
ready to default and come home, it felt as if he was trying to tell me something. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Soon younger
Joe(y) and Mia arrived, creating a happy distraction. The house filled with adult children and their significant
others. Brandon worked his magic in the kitchen and chatted with the rest of us
as we snacked on appetizers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bottles of wine were uncorked and glasses poured. Eventually, dinner was ready and we
moved to the dining room. More wine was opened and poured.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Conversation remained fairly light, the meal was delicious, and the evening’s conversation seemed to set
the new family standard of sadness coupled with joy. The unwelcome guest,
Cancer, became a topic of conversation for the first time, and I think fear led
everyone to treat its intrusion as a joke. Discussion of Brandon’s news
mingled with joyful conversation of the two upcoming weddings. Tony updated us
on the plans for his wedding to Kristin in late June. Brandon and Christina shared the details for their July wedding. Tony left for the airport and then
returned with his dad. Joe jumped right into our boisterous discussions. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Then
Joe(y) and Mia announced their joyful news. They were expecting their first baby
in September! The excitement was palpable and everyone was speaking at once. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As
the room finally quieted, Brandon hugged his brother and joked, “Wow, you
couldn’t let me play the cancer card for even one night!” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">With
that I felt joy and sadness settle in my soul as inseparable inhabitants. My
guess is that both have taken up permanent residency. </span><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Karen Gromadahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12106165924322678026noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1941114158855236323.post-76635908445196900892014-03-05T20:47:00.003-08:002014-03-05T20:56:23.830-08:00AC Ever After - Part 1<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Four years ago yesterday our
family was blissfully unaware that our world was about to be turned upside
down, inside out and would forever after exist in an altered state. Like you,
we went about our lives unknowing. An unwelcome guest, one that had been
lurking in our midst for months and perhaps for years, was about to make the surprise
announcement that it was claiming permanent residency within our tightknit
family.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It was a busy week. My
husband Joe was in Florida to play in a tennis tournament or two. He wasn’t
expected home until at least Sunday, March 7<sup>th</sup>. I’d spent much of Monday
with Brandon after he’d had an outpatient <a href="http://asorrowfullmother.blogspot.com/2014/03/no-big-deal.html">procedure</a> to remove the nasal polyps causing his frequent nosebleeds. He bounced back by
late afternoon, and I thought no more of it as I went about the rest of my
week. Thursday, March 4<sup>th</sup>, our family’s <a href="http://asorrowfullmother.blogspot.com/2014/03/bc-anniversary.html">last day BC</a> I taught a day-long seminar and later drove to the airport to meet our son Tony
who was coming in for the weekend from New Jersey. His twin Joe(y) with wife
Mia were driving in the next day from Chicago. In addition to their plans for a
weekend catching up with high school and college friends, the family looked forward to
having both of them home so we could celebrate their March 9<sup>th</sup> birthday a few
days early. A family dinner was planned for March 5<sup>th</sup>, a Friday
night. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Depending on your age, do
you remember where you were when you learned of the attack on Pearl Harbor, the
assassination of President John F. Kennedy, the flying of planes into the World
Trade Center? There are other dates, personal touchpoints, in the lives of
every human when some profound truth is revealed that causes time to stop. Not
only can one remember where she/he was, the minutiae of the environment at the
time of the discovery may be recalled with sharply focused detail and the words
of any conversation may replay in the mind like a broken record.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was putting laundry away
in the closet of our Master bedroom. The phone on a nearby nightstand rang. I
ran and picked it up, hitting the “on” button as I returned to the closet to
continue putting clothes away while I talked. I saw Brandon’s name on the phone
screen and figured he was calling about some detail about the coming evening’s
dinner menu, as he was to be the chef. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Hi, Bran. What’s up?” I
asked. I was not ready for the answer. If I lived one thousand years, I would
never be ready.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Mom, the doctor called this
morning. I have cancer.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I can still hear his voice,
how it sounded, in my ear telling me this. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“All of the other polyps were
fine. Just one had cancer.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I could hear Brandon’s fear.
I could feel my own. I clutched a shelf to keep myself from collapsing in a
heap on the floor. Every protective instinct I possessed pushed forward.
Instantaneously, my wonderful adult son was my baby once again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My mind leapt back three
days to the conversation with the surgeon after the nasal polyps removal.
Something in his voice or its expression – or was it my intuition – caused me
to mentally lurch when he said the word “cancer” as he told me he’d sent the
nasal polyps to the pathology department for examination, which is standard
procedure and I knew that. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Did he say what you had to
do next? Have you called your dad (a physician) yet?” I asked. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I can’t remember if he said
he’d already talked to his dad, but I think he said he needed to hang up so he
could call his dad next. I think he said the otolaryngologist was to get back
with him after he’d discussed with a colleague who and what Brandon should do
next. I can’t remember. I just remember hearing his voice repeat over and over,
“Mom, the doctor called this morning. I have cancer.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A fuzzy numbness was setting
in and my mind seemed to have gone blank. I think I was taking off on my first
business trip to Denial. I can hear myself thinking <i>cancer’s not a death sentence</i>, <i>we
don’t have enough information yet</i>, <i>Brandon
will get treatment, he’ll be fine</i>. </span><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Karen Gromadahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12106165924322678026noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1941114158855236323.post-42384714355100563952014-03-04T17:01:00.003-08:002014-03-04T17:04:11.777-08:00BC Anniversary<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Today is an anniversary for our family. It's the fourth anniversary BC - Before Cancer. Every day after March 4, 2010 is forever changed. Being AC - After Cancer - does that to a family. There are silver linings. I feel more aware and appreciate each member of my family more than ever. However, I don't think I was ever a particular slouch in that area. And now I often feel neglectful, because I can see the joys and the pain of those I love most, but it sometimes can be difficult to respond as I'd like or as I would BC. I don't even know why this is difficult most of the time. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Tonight, another family we know is dealing with the last day(s) of a loved young adult child. Their family is also divided by BC/AC. Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers. </span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaMxqH7OYbLvgi7gaP6bh5Pui-TSLiWCgZ1xhymH8bsSxAlaIGvlbmbkoaEbYsSmDQhDxvWL6Ympaa7215f3Ksq-tO_VWa8l5OEoyBxCiPjo-OZQIbnkLNnyCKBHtfLDO_SGw04mwlEiY/s1600/BC.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaMxqH7OYbLvgi7gaP6bh5Pui-TSLiWCgZ1xhymH8bsSxAlaIGvlbmbkoaEbYsSmDQhDxvWL6Ympaa7215f3Ksq-tO_VWa8l5OEoyBxCiPjo-OZQIbnkLNnyCKBHtfLDO_SGw04mwlEiY/s1600/BC.jpg" height="228" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">BC - from left: Carolyn, Brandon, Tony, Me, Joe, Joey, Elizabeth<br /></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>Karen Gromadahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12106165924322678026noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1941114158855236323.post-73508309429852539192014-03-01T20:39:00.001-08:002014-03-01T20:39:23.397-08:00No Big Deal?<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Brandon and our entire
family’s journey with cancer – with terror, with hope, with denial, with a
vivid joy, with crushing sadness and grief - officially began four years ago
today, March 1, 2010. It hadn’t started as a particularly good year for me.
I had a health scare of my own that January, which was finally resolved in late
February. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In late January or early
February, Brandon told us he had an appointment with an otolaryngologist. He’d
been experiencing nosebleeds several mornings a week since the fall of 2009,
and he wanted to figure out the cause and take care of it. “Mom,” he said,
“You’ve always told us that if we’re bleeding from a place we shouldn’t, we
should get it checked out. So, I’m taking your advice.”
Nasal polyps were diagnosed and the “no big deal” outpatient surgery was
scheduled for March 1<sup>st</sup>. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Mom, Christina (then his
fiancée) can take me to the surgery center and drop me off, but she has a
meeting at work that morning and can’t stay. Would you mind coming to pick me up?” (Like me,
Brandon was more a night than morning person, which was the reason there was
even a question about being there with him for an early morning surgical procedure.) Of
course, I said I didn’t mind! And I really didn’t – even if it was a bit early
in the day for me!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I made it to the outpatient
surgery center not long before Brandon was wheeled in for his procedure. No big
deal. Nasal polyps. Lots of people have had these. Lots of people have had
nasal polyps removed. I’m a nurse. I knew it was a “no big deal” procedure. I
settled in the waiting area with a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">People</i>
magazine. I can’t remember whether it was the current issue or weeks to months
old. It didn’t matter. Mindless entertainment was the objective, and it
achieved that objective.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Before I knew it Brandon’s
surgeon was beckoning me to a more private “consult” room. “Everything went
well,” he said. “Brandon’s in Recovery. They’ll call you back as soon as he
wakes up a bit.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Was there a change in his
voice or did his expression change somehow before he then said, ”The polyps
were sent to Pathology for microscopic examination. They’ll look for cancer or
other complications.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As I said earlier, I’m a
nurse. I know it’s standard procedure to send tissue removed during a surgical
procedure to Pathology for examination. Still, something the surgeon said or,
perhaps, something in the way he said it, or it may have been some weird
intuition, but my antennae were suddenly up and standing on end. I can only say
that something seemed “off,” although I can’t say precisely what it was. It was
one of those moments when I felt that I stood outside of time. If you’ve never
felt it, I wish I knew how to describe it more clearly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">(A year or so later I had an
opportunity to ask the surgeon if he’d suspected that one of the polyps was
cancerous, and that suspicion may have affected his facial expression or the
tone of his voice when he talked to me after the procedure. He said,
“Absolutely not. I saw nothing out of the ordinary” with visual inspection. “I
was as surprised as anyone later that week.”)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The moment outside of time
passed. The surgeon had to move on to the next patient and the next waiting
family. Brandon began to wake more, so I was called back to his cubicle in the
Recovery area. Before long I was driving him to our house, so his dad or I
could be with him until we knew he was fine. As I recall, he was ready to head
to his own home within another couple of hours. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Brandon got back to his
life, and I got back to mine. I was busy that week because one of our younger
sons and his wife were coming for the weekend. I forgot about the moment in the
consult room. The source of the nosebleeds had been removed, and Brandon was
back to work without missing a beat. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The procedure was done on a
Monday. Our family’s world was to be forever changed only three puny, normal
days later, and all of us were completely clueless… <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Karen Gromadahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12106165924322678026noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1941114158855236323.post-36620531989756383852014-02-28T20:13:00.001-08:002014-02-28T20:13:13.481-08:00Denial is Not Just a River in Egypt<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Denial</b> – <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">a psychological defense mechanism in which
confrontation with a personal problem or with reality is avoided by denying the
existence of the problem or reality</i> (m-w.com).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When Brandon was young, it concerned
me that he’d use denial to cope with his learning disabilities. It was as if by
“forgetting” an assignment or not facing some problem at school, it would all
disappear. How could he not see that this tactic never worked and repetition
did not improve the odds of it doing so? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Eventually, he got past most
of this behavior. He graduated from college and became the kind of person who
stuck with the job. He stuck with his job through surgery. He stuck with his
job through chemo, and he stuck with his job through radiation. (Sometimes he
stuck with his job receiving one or the other, and sometimes he stuck with his
job while receiving both at once.) He stuck with his job through side effects that
he made light of, but these side effects interfered with sleeping, eating,
breathing, exercising, ad nauseam (literally). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Still, I don’t think he ever completely stopped visiting Denial. In fact, I think he took his old defense
mechanism and really made it work for him during his illness. It allowed him to
remain hopeful. It allowed him to continue saying, “Get ‘er done” when new "spots" were found and new treatments recommended. Denial let
him joke and laugh through treatments and side effects that would bring most of
us to our knees. It allowed him to take joy in his baby daughter, his wife and his
life until the day he had to leave us all. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I never thought of myself as
someone who dabbled in Denial. I’ve always considered myself as quite pragmatic. (Sure, I can be a bit oblivious, but that’s different than denial!) And then
Brandon found out he had cancer. Initially, I didn’t realize I was escaping to
Denial, but eventually I recognized it as the ultimate vacation getaway spot. I
never stayed long; I couldn't. (Sometimes I wanted to stay forever.) Still, I usually
returned feeling fairly refreshed. I could visit Denial and be ready
to jump back into reality. At least I could do so until May 2012 when Brandon’s condition began taking a huge nosedive.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Since Brandon’s death, I
continue to visit Denial on a frequent basis. Sometimes I’m there for only a
few hours; other times I stay a couple of days, although that’s an
unusually long vacation. Without those hours spent in the lovely land of
Denial, I don’t know how I’d make it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I didn’t seek these frequent
but brief trips. My mind just seems to travel there of its own accord. Because
when I really stop and let it in, when I return from Denial and must “feel the real,”
I honestly can’t bear it. I still cannot truly comprehend or bear that Brandon is truly
gone from this life for the duration of mine. And then the tears come – still.
Twenty-one months after his death. Not simply a watering of the eyes that I can
blink to a halt. No, before I’m even aware, huge blobs of salty liquid are
rolling down my cheeks to splash wherever.</span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjakzX08k103-5axmGo_FeiY5bJiL4d1afW_fLu5sP_y48fIBcZ2iJIvRGelfk2Oq4YNMewxHQHY-ynLAqea89GqAuWIxJEv86vVHaYcg4rLj9BYLQ5jvLR5lo3jXORU0QUnVgGjjBaac/s1600/NoMatterHowLong.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjakzX08k103-5axmGo_FeiY5bJiL4d1afW_fLu5sP_y48fIBcZ2iJIvRGelfk2Oq4YNMewxHQHY-ynLAqea89GqAuWIxJEv86vVHaYcg4rLj9BYLQ5jvLR5lo3jXORU0QUnVgGjjBaac/s1600/NoMatterHowLong.jpg" height="320" width="217" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">From: A Bed For My Heart</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My trips to Denial usually
let me get through the day so that I may cry in private at night. That’s the
way I prefer it. That’s the way that allows me to keep moving forward. That's me. For now. For always? I'll go where it takes me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So if you’re considering a
brief vacation in the land of Denial, go for it. It is a beautiful land. Enjoy
your time there. Just don’t stay too long… <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Karen Gromadahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12106165924322678026noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1941114158855236323.post-35437324976933542182014-02-02T21:00:00.001-08:002014-02-02T21:18:29.763-08:00A Sword Will Pierce<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">…and Simeon blessed them and said to Mary his mother,
“Behold, this child is destined for the fall and rise of many in Israel, and to
be a sign that will be contradicted – <b>and
you yourself a sword will pierce</b> – so that the thoughts of many hearts may
be revealed.” </i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Luke 2: 34-35<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Pieta - Assisi, Italy</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Pieta - Salzburg, Austria</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When I went to Mass this
morning, I was reminded that it was the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Presentation_of_Jesus_at_the_Temple">feast</a> of the Presentation of Jesus at the Temple. The full Gospel <a href="http://www.usccb.org/bible/luke/2:22">reading</a> has more depth, but I automatically focused on verse 35. I focused on it because as Brandon grew
sicker and after his death, I literally felt - and still feel - at times as if a sword had pierced
my heart. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Many think that “heartbreak”
or “broken heart” is a metaphor for the emotional pain one feels when a person one loves
leaves or dies. But it is NOT a metaphor. It is quite <a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-and-gratitude/201303/why-the-pain-broken-heart-mimics-heart-attack">physical</a>.
The weight one feels on the chest is real. The heart palpitations and chest
pain are real. The shortness of breath and feelings of sheer terror are quite
real. (And yes, I’ve had these “symptoms” checked out.) <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There is a hole in my heart
from the wound of a metaphorical sword, but metaphorical swords have physical
consequences.</span><b><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-language: JA;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
Karen Gromadahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12106165924322678026noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1941114158855236323.post-42232024213750163502014-01-30T21:55:00.001-08:002014-01-31T21:09:00.660-08:00Euphemisms<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There are many <a href="http://www.you-can-be-funny.com/Euphemisms-For-Death.html">euphemisms</a> for “die,” “dead,”
“death,” although some are more <a href="http://blog.legacy.com/2012/05/21/top-10-death-euphemisms/">popular</a> than others. My least favorite ones are variations of “lose,” such as “loss” or “lost,” perhaps
because they refer to the second or third scariest possibility for a parent.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When I was 11 years old, one
of my little sisters somehow became separated from our family and was lost at an
amusement park. I don’t know how long it took before someone found her and
Security contacted my parents to let them know she was safe. I can tell you
that my parents were frantic, and the time between the realization that she was
missing until they were contacted that she was found seemed like a very, very
long time. Having a child disappear is torture.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yet people often refer to
Brandon as if he suddenly disappeared. Some say, “I’m so sorry about the loss
of your son.” Another version is, “I heard you lost your son.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yes, yes, I know these
people mean well. I also know that many parents don’t mind these euphemisms. But
what is it in our culture that makes it so difficult to speak the word “die”? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We did not lose Brandon. He was right in front of us when he took his last breath. I was with him at the
crematorium. We may not know exactly where the essence of who he is went, but
he wasn’t lost. Brandon died. Brandon is dead. We do feel the loss of his
presence in our lives, and his death has created a gaping hole in the fabric of
our family. It isn’t that our fabric isn’t holding strongly together, it’s that
this hole has disrupted its pattern and has taken some of its beauty. There is
no patch able to camouflage a gash of this proportion.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Then there are the other “lose”
euphemisms in reference to cancer, such as “I was sorry to hear Brandon lost
his battle with cancer.” But if cancer is a war then it is a war with one’s own
cells. Can one win or lose to oneself? If cancer “wins,” then it also “loses”
since the death of the body means the cancer cells die too. And how can we
consider that a person lost to a disease if he refused to let that disease
control him – who he is and what he did? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I hate the f’ing cell disease
that took Brandon from our daily lives. I miss his hugs. I miss his reassuring,
calming, “don’t sweat the small stuff” presence. I miss his mannerisms, which
seemed a reflection of his spirit and body interacting. I especially miss that
he can’t be here to physically watch his daughter grow up and enjoy the love he
shared with his wife. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Still, Brandon didn’t lose,
and we didn’t lose Brandon. He died. He’s dead. No euphemisms can change that
or lessen the tears that flow every time I re-remember that fact – a fact that
my mind still can’t completely comprehend. </span></div>
Karen Gromadahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12106165924322678026noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1941114158855236323.post-33471012890318681172014-01-06T22:11:00.001-08:002014-01-06T22:54:04.958-08:00Happy New Year?<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We returned from Naples, FL
the afternoon of New Year’s Eve in plenty of time for the annual dinner party with
good friends from the “old” neighborhood. I both looked forward to and dreaded the
get together with friends. I didn’t dread it because I didn’t want to spend New
Year’s Eve with friends who’ve all been tremendously supportive; I dreaded it
because my mind wanted to wander to New Year’s Eve 2011 when Brandon had <a href="http://asorrowfullmother.blogspot.com/2012/12/for-auld-lang-syne.html">helped me prepare</a> to host the annual dinner party,
and that is a tough destination for me. Throughout the evening I occasionally
traveled to 2011, but then I or a friend would pull me back to the last few
hours of 2013. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I thought I was doing pretty
darn well. I felt fine as we all gathered around the television just before midnight
to join the countdown to 2014. We watched Manhattan’s Times Square New Year’s
Eve Ball descend during the final seconds of the old year until it proclaimed
the beginning of the new one. Everyone began shouting, “Happy New Year!” as
husbands and wives kissed each other and then turned to share New Year’s
greetings with friends.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yet as excited “Happy New
Year” greetings rang out, it hit me. I would never know a Happy New Year again. It hit me that every New Year now means one more year without having Brandon here, physically
present in our lives. One more year missing him. One more year missing everything
about him. One more year without “Brandon hugs” and one more year without his
humor and kind commonsense. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A friend turned, hugged me
and said, “Happy New Year!” And I replied, “No more happy new years for me.”
The tears started, and I could tell any efforts to stop them would fail. I left
the room to find a private spot where I could cry in peace by myself, as I prefer.
The tears surprised me by turning into loud sobs. After a minute or two, my
husband found me and put his arms around me. It took several minutes, but I
eventually “collected” myself and we rejoined the party. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I don’t think I’ve ever had
a reputation as a “weepy” female! Quite the contrary. (And “quite the contrary”
is probably an understatement!) It has been 19 months, and I am still always on
the verge of tears. Always. One second I can speak of Brandon, his life, his
illness and even his death while remaining cool, calm and collected; however,
the next second I may completely dissolve. Or I may completely dissolve without
ever mentioning him. Still, I’m thinking of him. The mere thought that he’s
really not ever going to open our front door, stride in and announce his
presence easily results in tears. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And tears are no longer
watery eyes. Tears are now these giant alien blobs of salty water, which roll down
each cheek, one after the other, in what seems an endless trail. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Grief is a bitch. </span><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4IOED9NURfO3ycD4dOxDWgGXCTxdzG3IfKUJwHRdexb4NMddFCHiWKAViKVubozt8iYyAad41riyK7y6Jhkx-c3DoC2IflomZwPVAvf6p0iKi9-n6KBXzMTs4n9XgGUfp-r6BPF1UB5M/s1600/HoleInMyHeart.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4IOED9NURfO3ycD4dOxDWgGXCTxdzG3IfKUJwHRdexb4NMddFCHiWKAViKVubozt8iYyAad41riyK7y6Jhkx-c3DoC2IflomZwPVAvf6p0iKi9-n6KBXzMTs4n9XgGUfp-r6BPF1UB5M/s1600/HoleInMyHeart.jpg" height="308" width="320" /></a></div>
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Karen Gromadahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12106165924322678026noreply@blogger.com0