I think my brain may be coming back, which is a relief. For
the first three to four months after Brandon’s death, I couldn’t focus on
anything – not a work project, not a book, not a conversation, etc. – for more
than a few minutes at a time. It wasn’t that my mind was muddled or fogged in;
it seemed that concentrating on anyone or anything was simply beyond my
ability. In recent weeks I’ve felt a bit of a change, and I’ve finally made
some progress on work-related projects that have been hanging over my head.
Grieving is
a weird thing. I’ve studied the grief process from an academic perspective and
I wasn't completely unfamiliar with the lived experience prior to June second.
I knew my inability to focus was a common aspect with the shock and denial
associated with the first phase of grief. However, knowing where I fit on some
continuum of grief pathway has in no way helped me walk the path. In some way,
identifying the feeling, understanding how it fits, yet being unable to alter
either the course or the speed at which I can move through it has only added to
the weirdness.
Apparently,
there is no way to get over, around and through this acute grief without living
the feelings or dealing with the altered brain chemistry. The knowledge in
one’s head is different than the knowledge of one’s heart. The heart cannot
avoid the learning curve of grief just because the head is aware. Shucks…
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