Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Welcome back, brain (I hope)!

I think my brain may be coming back, which is a relief. For the first three to four months after Brandon’s death, I couldn’t focus on anything – not a work project, not a book, not a conversation, etc. – for more than a few minutes at a time. It wasn’t that my mind was muddled or fogged in; it seemed that concentrating on anyone or anything was simply beyond my ability. In recent weeks I’ve felt a bit of a change, and I’ve finally made some progress on work-related projects that have been hanging over my head.

Grieving is a weird thing. I’ve studied the grief process from an academic perspective and I wasn't completely unfamiliar with the lived experience prior to June second. I knew my inability to focus was a common aspect with the shock and denial associated with the first phase of grief. However, knowing where I fit on some continuum of grief pathway has in no way helped me walk the path. In some way, identifying the feeling, understanding how it fits, yet being unable to alter either the course or the speed at which I can move through it has only added to the weirdness.

Apparently, there is no way to get over, around and through this acute grief without living the feelings or dealing with the altered brain chemistry. The knowledge in one’s head is different than the knowledge of one’s heart. The heart cannot avoid the learning curve of grief just because the head is aware. Shucks…

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