Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Prayer and positive thought gratefully accepted

And so it begins. Holiday season 2014. All children and families will be in from far and near, and will arrive here for Thanksgiving dinner in a few hours. 

Brandon preparing Thanksgiving dinner
I can do Thanksgiving, although Thanksgiving was a favorite holiday of Brandon, who loved to cook. It is Friday I fear. Friday morning we are to have family photos taken - the first family photos without Brandon physically in the picture. And I am so very scared. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be brave. I miss him. It won't be "right" without his physical presence. 

Sure, we have symbols to include in photos. Symbols aren't worth sh#t, but I think they sure beat no symbols at all.

Please send positive thoughts and prayers through cyberspace for me and our family this Friday morning (Eastern standard time). I want, I need these photos but I need your energy to get me through this. Our last family photo shoot - by Jenny of Fresh View Studio, the same photographer -  took place merely three weeks before Brandon's passing. I can't begin to tell you how many tears have been shed just thinking about this session without him. I want this. I need these family photos. But I'm so scared. 

A blessed Thanksgiving to you all. Hug each other and let each know how thankful you are to have each in your life. 

Saturday, November 15, 2014

I Just Want My Baby Back

It has been an incredibly busy summer and fall. Mostly in a good way. "Busyness" is often a synonym for "denial." Is numb the same as denial? I often find myself feeling numb. I thought numbness was an early manifestation of grief, but maybe this is early. I think “early” will last the rest of my life.

Sometimes I feel angry, but this anger is not directed toward anyone or anything in particular. There is no blame to be attributed. Still, I’ll find myself spewing snippy, snappy, cynical quips. When I hear it, I don’t like myself, yet I allow this behavior to continue. I see a harsher me in the mirror and I don’t know how to soften the look.

Mostly, I’ve noticed a feeling of numbness that hadn’t been there earlier. And I spend a lot of time in the land of Denial, which to most probably looks like me living my real life, but it’s not – at least, not precisely. It’s me, sort of being real and sort of pretending.

The land of Denial, the numbness and the anger help me compartmentalize. Attending events, enjoying family and friends, participating in professional activities slip into compartments, which is different than detachment.  It’s not that grief doesn’t seep into all compartments, it's that grief simply isn’t as deep or raw when I’m in one of the compartments I need for ongoing function. Trips to Denial, feeling numb and the anger are distractions from the real.

The real doesn’t slowly sneak in. The real is the sudden shock of a sucker punch to the gut.

The real is that I just want, but can never have, my second baby back. The real is that my family can never physically be intact again – the joking, poking, bantering of an integral member will always be missing. The real is that I miss Brandon the adult son so very much. The real is that an amazing little granddaughter is left without her daddy and a daughter-in-law who is beautiful inside and out is left without the husband she loved and had too little time with.

The real is a sadness so profound I cannot begin to adequately describe it.

I know life is short. I know God’s time is different than human time. I know our family will be together again on the other side of life on this planet. When I’m in the “right” compartment, I can appreciate all those things.

When I’m in the real, I just want my second baby back. I just want my baby…